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I don’t learn do I?

May 10
, 2011

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Back to Square 1

May 7
, 2011

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I look at the past, present and future of myself and am just reflecting on my thoughts. I barely have the time these days to sit down to do this and I’m going to take advantage of it. This all started with a prayer. Something that I asked of God and something that I’ve asked God to challenge me with. And with that, all this regret came flowing in. I wish I hadn’t prayed that prayer. I asked him to challenge me and to show him how powerful he is. And with this, I can slowly see God taking everything away from me. I’m reminded of Job in the Bible. Where God allows Satan to take away all of his possessions and his great wealth to show that he is a strong man of God. And so it became a snowball effect of events that came after that. I don’t know what started first but I just remember that some events happened. Well first I think I didn’t do so well on a trig test. And then afterwards came ICDC. I think this was the biggest part of my personal downfall. I came in expecting God to show me his power through the winning of ICDC. But no, we didn’t even qualify. This was a big shock to me because I thought God would come and takeover. And then I just feel that everything at ICDC was bad. Looking back, I can see Satan at work. All those times I fell into temptation. All those times I was judgmental. All those times I failed to speak up. And people getting into my number one choice university program who I felt did not deserve to, this made me mad and jealous. The worse was at DECA prom. It was horrible. Well not at the time of course but now looking back in 20/20 hindsight, I know what I should’ve done. So Satan brought up this pretty cute girl that was dancing with me which eventually turned out to be a little bit more than just dancing. UGH even just remembering this event scares me. So yeah I didn’t really know what to do in that situation so I stayed there for about 3 songs until DECA prom was over. Then I rushed out, only then realizing that what I just did was an adulterous act. I feel regret, embarrassment and shame, not only to Amina but to God as well. I ended up telling her everything that happened and now she’s mad at me for doing so. Do you know how bad this feels? How bad it feels to betray someone who you love and care for? It literally makes me suicidal. The thought about just jumping off the 6 stories we were living on passed through my mind many times I want to escape. I want to leave everything behind, have no past and just look towards the future. I want to start over. Like a reset button on life. I don’t want to have to go through this anymore. Some say that God doesn’t put you through a trial that you can’t get through but at this moment in time, I feel like that statement is not true. It seems like God just left me a pile of stuff to get through and he left a sign saying “Be back in 5…years”

God, I’ve been searching. Maybe not hard enough but I’ve been searching. Why haven’t I heard you? God I NEED you. If there’s anything in life that satisfies, it will be you. I LOVE you and even though I may fall down, you always pick me up. You always help me get through trials but this one is tough. So Lord, I’m praying to you now to come into my life, fill me and rid me of earthly desires. Lord there is only room for 1 in my life and I need that to be you, so I can live a life that is like you. I want to be like Jesus because you have made and will continue to shape my life according to your will. Lord, let this be a transformation of my soul. Rejuvenate me and show me how to love like you loved me. Lord, I love because you first loved. Lord, when I show you my love for you, I pray that you will do likewise.

In your name I pray,

Amen.

May 5
, 2011

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Hey
Long time no see. How have you been?
Not bad same old same old y'know?
So nothing changed since last time?
Nope not really.
Oh...What happened to changing to be "better"
Uhmm...right. About that...
What about it?
Yeah nothing really I guess...
Why not?
I just haven't had the motivation to do it
Is perfection not great enough? What about eternal life? What about ME?
Yeah well...
Well what!?
So really, I've been feeling as if i'm dying. Dying a little bit everyday. With every moment. Every action. I guess I've put up this abundance of walls and structures so that no one can see the real me. Everything I do in church, has been HURTING me instead. I can actually see why I wasn't chosen to be a part of the dido committee. All the ministries that I've been doing, they're meaningless. They're not spirit led. They're ME-led and ME-centered and that's not what they're suppose to be about. I think I've missed the message. Missed my mark. I'm almost 18. Looking back at it, why did I waste my time doing useless things when I should've been focused on God and God alone. God? God? *sigh* he left again. He always does this. When I need him the most or when I'm talking to him, he just feels like he's absent in my life. Or is it the other way around. That I'm absent from his life? I pray with all my might that I will be able to focus on Him and nothing else. Nothing of this world is important. Look at Japan. If that happened here, do you think getting into university will be as important?? Let alone be important at all? No. Focus on God and he'll give everything you need because he is a God that provides.
Enoch.
Oh you are here.
Yes. I've been here all along.
No God, you haven't.
I will be here. Forever and always. It is not I who has been straying, but you. I have given you an abundance and you have taken it and turned away from me. But you are forgiven. And do not be discouraged because the Lord is here for you. Come and follow me.
What?? Just like that? What do you mean? How can you. Have you been looking into my life for the past year?
Yes I have. And it is because you have lacking Me in your life that you have continued to stray. So come and follow.
Yes Lord. I will follow.

March 15
, 2011

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after what happened on tuesday…i thought i had everything planned out. like how i thought God was telling me to go into business. or that he’s wants to me go into QC. but after pondering, I feel that’s not the case. What if it was all ME? what happens if what happened at deca was a coincident? and God isn’t really in power? Now that i see that I can succeed by MYSELF, why rely on a greater power? I don’t really know if that was God or not. I’m hoping that it was and that was a sign that I was suppose to see and acknowledge that He is in fact truly God. What now?